


life story

by ode_to_phan



Category: biographies - Fandom
Genre: I'm Sorry, I'm Weird, yes i do use anime names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 23:52:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17693564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ode_to_phan/pseuds/ode_to_phan
Summary: i know this is probably the wrong place to put this but where else am i supposed to share my sucky story i wrote in class under my desk?





	life story

“Falling in love is like dying: it happens slowly then all at once, and, in most cases, you hurt the entire time.” These were the words of Yuri, talking to her friend Onyx. Yuri had fallen in love again, despite her efforts to stay away from guys. She’d confessed her love to two people in the past: Light and Takumi. Both guys stabbed her in the back, torturing her. Light’s words still flutter through her mind: “I was never your friend. I only ever talked to you so you would leave me alone,” or “I always hated you.” He used to tell her he loved her and send cute aesthetic pictures that said “사랑해” (korean for “I love you”). She was stupid enough to believe him. It was the same with Takumi. He made her believe he loved her, then hurt her.

Now she has a crush on a guy who she considers her best friend. Ryuzaki. Her parents like him. He’s a little taller than Yuri, and he cares for her (well, at least she THINKS he does). Yuri hates herself for falling in love. “Onyx, why should I like him? Clearly I don’t deserve to be loved.” She’s petrified. She’s so scared of being hurt again that she can’t sleep. She doesn’t want to face him. “Yuri, he’s not cruel. He’ll let you down gently if you tell him and he doesn’t feel the same,” Onyx said when she tried to get Yuri to confess to Ryuzaki. 

Yuri knows better. She thought that about Light and Takumi but she was dead wrong. Her friend Misa tried to help. “I’m sure he’s not like Light… or Takumi.” “Misa, I really don’t want hurt again,” Yuri replied darkly. She believes in love, but she doesn’t believe love is for her anymore. She thinks nobody likes her. She KNOWS nobody likes her. The only people who like her are girls, which, in her family, is forbidden. 

She dated one guy in eighth grade. Itachi. He was abusive. He was toxic. Itachi caused her to hurt herself. The scars are a constant reminder of her first relationship. But that’s over now. Ryuzaki treats her good. He even hangs out with her whenever he can. But she fears this is just a mask he’s putting on. 

“He’s warming up to me so he can hurt me worse,” she says to her friends. Misa doesn’t believe her. Neither does Onyx. Onyx offered to tell Ryuzaki for her. “No. It’ll never work. He’ll hate me. He’ll hurt me. He… I don’t know.” “Yuri, he will not hurt you. He’s a good guy,” Onyx reasons. “He will,” Yuri replies.

Yuri always quotes 8 Letters by Why Don’t We (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQix0eKwlww). “If all it is is eight letters, why is it so hard to say?” The 8 letters are “I love you”. 

When she sees Ryuzaki in the hall, she panics. Her throat feels like it’s closing. She’s suffocating. ‘What if he finds out? What if he hurts me? What if he hates me?’ These thoughts flash through her mind. ‘He’ll hit me. He’ll curse my name and scream that he hates me. He’ll never talk to me again. He’ll make me bleed. Oh God, please, take me out of here…’ On the inside, she’s screaming. Crying out for help. Begging for him to love her back. But on the outside, she’s calm.

He’s coming closer to her. ‘No… no... ‘ Her thoughts show by causing her to shake. Her heart pounds in her throat. “Hey Yuri!” He smiles, making her blush. “H-hi Ryuzaki,” she says nervously. They separate to go to class. In class she thinks of him. His band tee, black pants, black shoes. ‘Stop. Why am I thinking of him?!,’ she thinks to herself. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ She goes back to her work but she can’t concentrate. Ryuzaki. He’s the only thing she can think of.

Yuri is loathing herself now. ‘Why, why did I fall in love?’ Tears well in her eyes, but she refuses to cry at school. If she didn’t fall in love,she wouldn’t be so terrified. This is HER fault. It’s HER fault she can’t breathe around Ryuzaki. It’s HER fault Light and Takumi hurt her. She’s the one who confessed. ‘I need to stop liking him so I won’t get hurt… physically or mentally,’ she thinks. She’s going to get hurt, she just knows it. If she tells him, it’ll be a mistake. She sighs and looks at her paper. The bell is about to ring.

She packs up and rushes out the door as the bell rings. Her next class is with Onyx. They conversate about Ryuzaki. “I saw him today,” Yuri says half-heartedly. “Oh? How’d it go?” “Sucky. I was nervous,” she says, shrugging. Onyx brings up her point from earlier. “He will NOT hurt you.” Yuri sighs. “Just because he didn’t hurt you doesn’t mean he won’t decimate me, Onyx,” she says flatly and quietly. “Yuri. I promise he won’t hurt you. Trust me,” Onyx said with a strong tone in her voice. 

Yuri chooses not to answer. She just works on her paper, when, all of a sudden, Onyx pipes up. “Listen, I know you don’t believe me but he will be nice!” “I don’t know about that, Onyx.” Yuri sighs and starts drawing. She doesn’t quite realize it at first, but she’s drawing Ryuzaki. She cringes and puts her stuff away. ‘Ugh! WHY can’t I stop?!,’ she thinks. Her love for Ryuzaki is killing her. His smile… The way his eyes light up… It’s destroying her.

The bell rings for lunch. She goes to the lunchroom but Misa isn’t there. She eats in silence with nothing to distract her from her thoughts. After lunch she goes to fourth period, just to be bothered by Takumi. “Give me your notes,” he demands. She gives him the notes in hopes that he’ll leave her alone. ‘This is the way it’ll always be,’ she thinks, ‘may as well get used to it.’ The rest of the day drags on. 

When she gets home, she calls Misa. “Have you told him yet?” Yuri sighs. “Nope.” They talk for a little while then Misa disconnects. Onyx calls. “Onyx, I can’t stand it! He’s GOING to hate me!!” “Yuri… he is NOT going to hate you,” Onyx says. They talk for about twenty minutes then decide to end the phone call. Yuri is left to her own head. She turns on some music, but it doesn’t help her situation at ALL. The song she’s listening to is Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=birrtUbd-CY). It’s her favorite song, but it kind of makes her sad. 

A few hours pass and, before she knows it, she falls asleep, finally escaping from Ryu. In her dreams, she’s going to a concert of her favorite band, Twenty One Pilots. This is her favorite dream because she’s reliving her best day, November 2, 2018. She sleeps rather peacefully. All of a sudden, her alarm goes off. She groans and turns it off. She gets up, thinking, ‘Today is the day I’ll tell him.’ She ponders this. ‘Pfft, who am I kidding? I’m not going to risk it.’ She gets a notification. They’re out of school on a snow day! Her friends text her and they plan a girl’s day at Onyx’s house. “Just a few hours and we should get confirmation!” 

She pulls on her favorite shirt. A loose, black, expensive Bandito Tour shirt. She’s getting ready for the day and waiting for her mom to wake up. She wonders if she should get tickets for Acoustic Christmas. ‘Who would I take? I probably can’t take Onyx or Misa, and probably not Ry…’ She sighs and decides not to purchase them. ‘Eh, what’s the point in going anyway… The bands I like are the openers,’ she thinks, laughing to herself. 

She’s feeling great. No school, no worries. She’s bright-eyed and bushy haired (her hair is really curly in the morning). She puts some coffee on for her mom. She’s trying to talk her mom into saying she can go to Onyx’s house. Yuri truly loves her friends. They’re the reason she’s happy most of the time. They share most of her interests. She loves hanging out with them. 

Her mom says yes! Around 9 she gets to Onyx's place. All of it is so familiar, the rooms, the environment around. Yuri connects her controller to the PS3. They play Minecraft for a while. Ry hasn't texted her back all day, even though she tried to text him. ‘Oh well,’ she thinks, 'he doesn't like me anyways.’ Misa shows up about an hour after Yuri. They listen to music then Misa gives Onyx a makeover. 

A few hours later, they're playing the game of life. They pause for a snack but Yuri doesn't do anything because she's stressed about Ryuzaki. “Yuri, you okay?” “Yeah…. I'm fine…” Misa leaves soon after, leaving Onyx and Yuri.

Yuri doesn't really want to talk much about how she feels because Onyx shares her crush. She doesn't want anything to become awkward. She's hiding it, but she still feels like she's suffocating. She doesn't know why. Ryuzaki hasn't been brought up in a while…. Yuri's still scared.

She's on the way to church with Onyx. She's going under. Everything about Ryuzaki, Light, and Takumi is getting to her. “I only ever talked to you so you would leave me alone.” Dang it, Light, why did you do it?? He KNEW Yuri had a crush on him. He's slowly, cruelly, painfully breaking her. People look at her and think that she will live her life so perfectly but what they don't know is she wants to die. She knows the only reason why they think her life is clear is because (well, she knows) that people never understand. 

Yuri desperately wants to talk to Onyx, but she’s terrified of what her reaction would be, so she satisfies herself with thinking about Ryu. She wants to tell him, but she can't be hurt again, she can't feel that emotional pain. She can't BEAR the pressure, the fear. No more….she will wake up with him on her mind and then feel guilty for feeling for him at all. She wants this to end, but she owes it to her friends to sort this out, she needs to find a solution….but where…..? 

She's sick of this. She's sick of feeling for Ryuzaki. She's sick of remembering what Light did. She's sick of staying up all night crying. Her heart pounding, leaving her to fight for breath…. She can't take it anymore. She glances at her arms and cringes. Even though they have faded, the scars are easily visible in her mind's eye. She starts shaking. 'No… Not now… Not at church….” Onyx talks to her and helps her get her mind off of it. 

Yuri gets home after church and almost instantly falls asleep. She was emotionally and mentally exhausted. Around midnight, she gets up. She can't sleep, can't escape. She's tired but her mind won't stop. She gasps as her throat feels like it's closing again. ‘No, not now, this can't be how it goes!’ She's crying, fighting for breath. 'This is how it's gonna end, isn't it?,’ she thinks. She cries, panics for about an hour, then crashes. 

She's on the bus going to school. She doesn't have earbuds with her but, luckily, the driver plays music. 'Not my favorite music, but at least it provides a distraction,’ Yuri thinks. She texts her friends for a while. “I'm feeling better today," she types. It wasn't all the way true, but it was true enough for her to not feel guilty for sending it. 

Her first period passes quickly. It feels like no time before the bell rings. Yuri rushes to second period, briefly passing Ryuzaki. He doesn’t even acknowledge that she exists. No “Hey!” or “Hi.” Not even a wave. ‘Oh God, does he know?!’ Now she’s really panicking. She writes a long note to him. It says, “Hey. So, this is really hard to say but I have a crush on you. If you share the feelings, let me know. If not, I’m sorry if I’m weirding you out. I’ll leave if you want me to. I’m sorry about this. About ALL of this. Just… please don’t hurt me. I mean, if you hate me, I’m sure it won’t matter because nobody will ever hate me more than… Nevermind. But I can’t stand this anymore, Ryu! I feel like my mind is slowly killing me. I really like you. But I’m terrified of it. I’m scared of my own head. I’m scared of what your reaction might be if you read this. Better yet, I’m freaking petrified. Yeah, that’s right. PETRIFIED. Now I really know what Tyler Joseph was saying when he said ‘nothing kills a man faster than his own head.’ I’m sorry, Ryu. I just… can’t get over you. With love, Yuri.” She folds the note and slips it into her pocket. But she decides to NEVER give it to him. She’s trying to protect herself. ‘I’ll at least show it to Onyx,’ she thinks. But she decides not to and throws it away. 

It’s 10:23. ‘Ah, 7 minutes until the bell,’ she thinks, relieved. She draws for the rest of her second period then rushes out to see Onyx in her next class. They talk while watching I, Robot. Soon enough, it's 11:20, time for Yuri to go to lunch. Ginger and Izzy from Electric 94.9 are there! She excitedly greets them then takes her seat. They have a drawing for Acoustic Christmas tickets but she doesn't win anything. For the remainder of her lunch, she draws Harry Potter things. She eats nothing the whole time. 'Eh, I'm fat, I don't need food,’ she thinks to herself. 

When she gets home, her papaw gives her a cookie. Her favorite kind too. Double chocolate chip! It's very satisfying to eat something after going all day without food. Her and Onyx roleplay for a bit then sign off. Yuri goes to the gym with her dad and walks over a mile. She's proud of herself, but nobody else seems to care. She tries to text Ryu. No reply. She sighs and puts her phone away. 'Why did I even bother texting him? He doesn't care about me,’ she thinks.

The next day, Onyx plans to tell Ryuzaki the truth. Yuri begs for her not to then they come to an agreement and they’re going to tell him. Yuri is still petrified. Her hands shake unnoticeably for a while, making it IMPOSSIBLE to write. ‘If he hurts me…’ she thinks. ‘I’ll… I don’t know what I’d do.’ She writes out a new note for Ryu.

Onyx gives Ryuzaki the note and tells Yuri, who panics. She rushes to a hidden place and cries. She’s scared. ‘He’s going to kill me…..’ she thinks. She can’t breathe. Luckily, nobody can hear her gasping for breath. She’s dizzy, always a sure sign of a panic attack. ‘No, this can’t happen…’ Her hands are shaking, her palms sweaty. She manages to type something to send to Ryu. It says: “Ryuzaki, disregard the note. Disregard ME. I’m sorry.” She thinks on it for a second then deletes it. She takes a few deep, shaky breaths and goes to lunch. She sits with Misa. “Hey, so, Onyx gave him the note…” Misa says “Yep.” in reply. She seems upset because she broke her phone. Yuri somehow manages to eat some stir fry. 

Yuri is in fourth period, and it’s been over an hour since Onyx gave Ryuzaki the note. She’s calmed down a little, but there’s a pain in her chest. ‘He’s going to text me and say ‘frick you, Yuri, I hate you’ or something like that…’ she thinks. She’s afraid of his reaction, but, more importantly, she’s scared of losing him as a friend. ‘God, I’ve made it awkward, haven’t I?’ She wants to leave. She has no service because she’s in the library, so she can’t text him. She can’t message her papaw and say “Can you pick me up early? I’m not feeling well.” She can’t text anyone in her family. She has no chance of getting home early, so she’s left to fend for herself in terms of panic and sadness. 

She’s sitting at a computer, unable to do anything because she’s nervous. ‘Good, nine minutes until the bell,’ she thinks, ‘one more class to go.’ She takes a slow breath and packs up her stuff. She has service in N-Pod, where her next class is. Her papaw is going to drive her home after school. She’s glad she doesn’t have to ride the bus, where all of her persecutors are. 

After school, she asks Ryu about his answer. He said he didn't share the feelings but he still wanted to be her friend. He was so gentle about it that she didn't even cry. “I'm glad we're still friends," she texted to him. 

Riyu didn't talk to her for …..forever. It was killing her. She wanted so badly to talk to him. Because feelings cant just….be erased. It takes time and formalities….they need to be together more,not apart! Or her curiosity about him….it will consume her and she will want him forever, but it will always be awkward. 

 

Onyx hasn't spoken much either, has her best friend abandoned her? Left her for dead in an endless void of isolation and longing? Yuri wants, needs either Ryu or Onyx…..losing one if she had the other. She...she must choose. And that very thought, that she would consider a boy over a friend is killing her and yet, she is tempted to make it. What if she got him to like her? What if he just needed time? What if she liked the attention either way? Those thoughts eat her soul as she struggles to fall asleep. She gets up, makes sleeping tea, and falls into a deep sleep. And dreams.


End file.
